What's the point in looking for something that always gets away from me?

Recently, I noticed that every time I am in need of something, it's the thing I lose. Not only in material objects, but also the people I need at specific moments.

I recently had a fight with a friend and now I regret how shallow my thoughts were during the fight. I'm not good enough for the friendship she gives. I am too much of an opposite for her. She deserves better, as the cliché goes "It's not you, it's me."

The moment I lose her, I miss her. I miss how she starts every conversation, how she fakes a smile even when I know that she is in pain inside, how she treats me like I'm something really important... Why did I create selfish and shallow thoughts? I should have known better not to.

I'm not yet ready to apologize. I think an apology at this point is useless. All I can say is that I'll start things again with her eventually.

Yes, I believe I was hoping for something more than friends. But is it worth it? After all the trouble I caused, after all the things I could not do, after all the things I spoke, and after all the time I spent?

Now I'm in pain, lost, and I don't know who to approach. With her, I lose my problems. I strive to become someone successful, but she's even more successful than I. I can't do anything impressive as she is more knowledgeable than I am.

At this point, I don't know how I am able to clearly point out what's in my head. It's a mix of peanuts, salted and dry.

I should have known better. I should have stopped at the start.

I'm sorry. Let it be. Please forgive me.

I'm just scared, I'm unsure of everything else in the world. Except, of course, her. I was always sure I'm on good ground, standing with my two legs, feeling satisfied and calm with her.

Why do I even bother break something amazing like her friendship?

I'm not even sure how the title fits the message I'm trying to convey, but it is something that floats around my messed up mind.

Please give me time and I will be fine.